This sem has been a lot of ups and downs, not only in my work or school but also hall issues. i am losing all my perseverance and have been really lazy. Can kinda tell from my room, work attitude(though this sem i am really a lot more hardworking), my body shape which is really bothering me. i needa stop my binge eating like now, kinda got out of control again. and i also i am still considering about joining this year newpaper new face again, yes i know, but it doesnt hurt to try, again? anyway looking at my body shape and determination and yes WORKLOAD, i doubt i can cope with them. oh man, honestly, i just hope today will be a refresh to my laziness, and a welcome to my new perseverance. needa look at christie more often to keep me reminded of my fatty body.

i am feeling so sulky today. i am not sure if not getting enough sleep really kept me at even an even keel but it makes me feel unsatisfied with myself. Also making decision and conducting my behavior seem really difficult for me. it feels as if i can access situations well and pick up the right behavior. this is not too good as it is making me irritable. very often i question myself if am i stepping over the line, i do not wish to replace/overtake anyone, take away any of your belongings. i just wanna be well acknowledge and loved by my friends and thats all. am i asking too much?

motivation

had my NY chronicles shot yesterday. i didnt realise how tiring it was only when i reached back to hall and had my dinner, and without any delay, i started my 12 hrs sleep till this morning.

The photo shoot was awesomely fun! anais ( if i didnt get her name wrongly ), the girl that i saw during new paper new face, one of the finalists too, was one of the model for the NY chron shot as well. in case you guys have no idea who she is, she is the 181cm tall girl, as always seen in adm. the issue here isnt just she being tall but she was wearing this 6 inch high heels for the last shot. though i was wearing the six inch heels too, i was still like a minion next to her? and you guys should see how anais's hips are like at yuran's chest! total hilarious.

the other model is a year 4 student from cs. i dont think she has the pretty face but she does have the unique face (something like the ugly pretty face as always mention on antm) that camera loves her face. it is just the kind of look that you will just wanna take a closer look at her photo.

this is like my first official, real photo shoot, not counting in the vaunt, projects, and pageant shoots. i am like totally fresh. every time when i watch antm, i will be like going, hmmm no her body movement is not there, she is not controlling her face well enough, her body is not contour enough, there is no energy in her poses, and blah blah blah. it always so easy to comment when you are outside the shot, but it not that easy when you are the model, when you cant see how your body is moving. that is why communication is very important between the choreographer, the photographer, and the model. you always have to listen and make some movements, adjustments, and mostly importantly, you have to let loose, try not to be too self conscious, believe in photographer and listen to them for instruction or else you will be all over the place (which was quite like me?)

anyway clarence was the photographer for yesterday's shoot and i never doubt his abilities given his high expectations that he had set for himself. i really marvel his determination and respect his attitude though he seems a bit stubborn. perhaps it just like what coach says, all artists are perfectionist and therefore making them fall into the state of being precise or even stubborn. looking at clarence make me question my decision in wanting to be a fashion photographer as well. everything does not look as simple as it is. for instance, lightings, i really no idea how to angle the lights so that it will hit correctly. secondly, i am very kind to myself. there is always this tendency for me to forgive or let go if there are limited sources for me to achieve the best result. maybe it time to be strict on myself before i consider to be a photographer.

lastly, maybe i used to have some prejudices against yuran but looking at his attitude at work ytd, maybe its time for me to not to judge him. you guys should really go take a look at his fb photos, those photos where he work with all the big models during fashion shows. you will be amazed

and please let me find some motivation to start drawing again! i need practice!